#730: Supporting Our Grown Children
A Hasidic story relevant to Parashat Behaalotekha, Bamidbar/Numbers 11:13-14
הֶאָנֹכִ֣י הָרִ֗יתִי אֵ֚ת כׇּל־הָעָ֣ם הַזֶּ֔ה אִם־אָנֹכִ֖י יְלִדְתִּ֑יהוּ כִּֽי־תֹאמַ֨ר אֵלַ֜י שָׂאֵ֣הוּ בְחֵיקֶ֗ךָ כַּאֲשֶׁ֨ר יִשָּׂ֤א הָאֹמֵן֙ אֶת־הַיֹּנֵ֔ק עַ֚ל הָֽאֲדָמָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֥ר נִשְׁבַּ֖עְתָּ לַאֲבֹתָֽיו׃ מֵאַ֤יִן לִי֙ בָּשָׂ֔ר לָתֵ֖ת לְכׇל־הָעָ֣ם הַזֶּ֑ה כִּֽי־יִבְכּ֤וּ עָלַי֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר תְּנָה־לָּ֥נוּ בָשָׂ֖ר וְנֹאכֵֽלָה׃
(13) Did I conceive all these people, did I give birth to them, that You should say to me, ‘Carry them in your bosom as a nursemaid carries an infant,’ to the land that You have promised on oath to their fathers? (14) Where am I to get meat to give to all this people, when they whine before me and say, ‘Give us meat to eat!’
Gimme Some Torah #730
Do you read me every day? Today’s a great day to put a ring on it and buy a subscription for only $5.00 a month! Paid subscribers get access to the complete GST library, not just the current week!
•••
How long are we expected to give financial support to our grown children? Is there a point at which we should say to an adult child, “You’re on your own, kid, I’m done!” The following Hasidic story teaches one opinion on that matter:
A young man once came to the righteous Rabbi Yehuda Leib of Gur (also known as the Sefat Emet) and complained about his father, who had been estranged from him since the day he got married and had stubbornly refused to support him and his starving family.
The Sefat Emet was impressed by the young man's sincere words, and the next day he summoned the estranged father and told him his son's complaint. The man listened with reverence to the words of the Rebbe, and then remarked in a tone of righteousness: “All my days, I have worked hard to provide for my sons and daughters, and I also took care to raise them with honor. However, I do not see it as my duty to continue to support my married children, who should now be independent.”
Rabbi Yehuda Leib took a Bible from the bookcase and began leafing through it, until he reached the story of the complaining riffraff in Parashat Beha'alotekha (Num. 11).
After a brief study of the verses of the parsha, the Rebbe said to his guest: “When the people who left Egypt were crying to Moses because they had no meat or fish (Num. 11:4-6), Moses turned to God with the following question: “Did I conceive all this people, or did I give birth to them?” (Num. 11:12); and then he added and asked: “Where is meat for me to give to all this people?” (Num. 11:13).
Here there is room to ask: Why does Moses our rabbi utter the first question, and not content himself with declaring that he had no meat to give to his people and that he was unable to bring them into the wilderness? Why did Moses also have to ask whether he gave birth to the nation?
Rather, continued the Sefat Emet with a smile, if Moses had conceived and given birth to the children of Israel, the argument that he had no meat to give them would have been irrelevant. This is because the duty imposed on a father to support his children is an inexhaustible responsibility, and a man must toil all his days until the end of his strength to support his sons and daughters.
From my point of view, I would add these caveats and questions to the story:
Are the adult children in question physically and psychologically capable of supporting themselves? If so, they should get jobs, because endlessly supporting able-bodied adult children actually does them no favors and stunts their development.
What is the current economy like? If the economy is terrible and even the able-bodied are unemployed, then parents should give their adult children financial support if they have the means to do so.
What do we mean by support? Are we talking about fundamentals like food, clothing, housing, and healthcare? Or are we talking about fancy condos, restaurant meals, fashionable threads, and vacations? If adult children cannot afford the former, their parents have a duty to help. But no parent has the moral obligation to give adult children luxuries.
May our adult children be blessed with the dignity of financial independence.
Shabbat Shalom! GST will return on Monday morning!
•••
Thank you so much for reading Gimme Some Torah! If you can afford to purchase a paid subscription, please do—paid subscribers get access to the entire GST library!
I am the rabbi of Temple Beth El in Somerset, New Jersey, and the author of The JPS Jewish Heritage Torah Commentary.